Calindia
by Vosges
Impact
What did they do here? Dysfunctional & broken - an impractical amount of spice, just a joy-killer where you think you're paying for a chick flick but the horror fest breaks out instead, starring countless spinster hags. PR at its finest.
Appearance 3.3 / 5
damsel in distress
damsel in distress
| Color: | maroon under a jaundiced bluish-grey (bloom setting in? but it came straight from Vosges' HQ) |
| Surface: | hasty, frumpy imprint up front; pocked walnuts/prunes out back |
| Temper: | grease splotch & splatter |
| Snap: | brittle (suspect tempering) |
Aroma 6.8 / 10
Vick's Vapor Rub: streaming eucalyptus, cardamom, & cedar - fumigating way over-the-top & heavily cottoned together w/ an underlying musk of clary sage, soy, & vanilla
Mouthfeel 9.4 / 15
| Texture: | stiff, dry scrabble |
| Melt: | drags balls then the odd gummy juju fruit (supplied by prune fragments) lends the consistency some scar tissue |
Flavor 29.7 / 50
Vick's Vapor rub on the tongue too & another Vosges piece that goes for the throat: fartisan cardamom... just gassing out all over the place... far too big for the bar... & further flattens an already dead cocoa into ceaseless debasement -> walnut oil the pus in the recesses -> prune adds a metallic choke point -> flavors finally start to orbit & balance each other - to a point... eucalyptically -> evacuates walnut fudge brownie w/ cardamom pounding the back palate for weeks... hating on this
Quality 11.2 / 20
Ooo la la, Calindia... Vosges really whipped up the porte-manteau on this one. Let's see: Cal for Calorie; & India, hmmm... some bastardized form of Indigent to make people all sentimental about poor starving children in Mumbai? Why stop there? Also contains cacao & plums making for 'Calindigocacaplum'... rhymes & pairs well with elephant safari dung - which matches its color & flavor & then some.
Aspiring chocolatiers take note: whenever positively clueless about how to make quality chocolate, just fry the hell out of the beans & mask them... no, smother then strangulate them... with exotic-sounding grooves, then sell it to Vosges who apparently buys anything & understands the intricacies of profiting off waste disposal.
True to form, it eternally strives to heighten anticipation for an experience it never delvers: nuts & not just any old nuts but organic California walnuts (omitting small facts like rancidity) & green cardamom (the most common type found) - yet more clever hype from the Vosges grrrlllls.
Better off just buying a few cardamom pods & chewing on 'em. Less expensive too.
Aspiring chocolatiers take note: whenever positively clueless about how to make quality chocolate, just fry the hell out of the beans & mask them... no, smother then strangulate them... with exotic-sounding grooves, then sell it to Vosges who apparently buys anything & understands the intricacies of profiting off waste disposal.
True to form, it eternally strives to heighten anticipation for an experience it never delvers: nuts & not just any old nuts but organic California walnuts (omitting small facts like rancidity) & green cardamom (the most common type found) - yet more clever hype from the Vosges grrrlllls.
Better off just buying a few cardamom pods & chewing on 'em. Less expensive too.