Chuao
by Christian Constant
Impact
Bar-smiths and Boxers occasionally write the C-spot™ with “you’re so cruel... how can you say anything bad about any chocolate, it’s all so yummy” (in violation BTW of the List of Banned Words).
Or “hey, lighten up it’s just chocolate”.
And this gem: “You need to listen to Jewel’s song Hands: in the end, all that really matters is kindness”.
OK, feeling the pangs, & in a stab at kinder / gentler karma, let’s instead paraphrase Gene Wojciechowski: pathetic has collided with tragic.
Chuao under the label of Christian Constant is now a shadow of the shadow of itself. Whatever aura of invincibility it once enjoyed has been stripped away like paint by turpentine.
This bar pulls it into a John Mayer cover of Tom Petty's Free-Fall... & the parachute won’t open.
Or Aretha misspelling R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Throughout the width & length of its storied landscape, Chuao has had cacáo. Not only had it, but defined it, owned it, & ruled it. Now its game is hobbled onto the disabled list. Splattered out by the paddles from the conche machine, hitting the walls, the ceiling, & the floor like the proverbial sh!t hit the fan.
There are splat marks everywhere around this sinkhole.
The world’s most fearless chocolate playing... well, scared.
A boregasm.
Or “hey, lighten up it’s just chocolate”.
And this gem: “You need to listen to Jewel’s song Hands: in the end, all that really matters is kindness”.
OK, feeling the pangs, & in a stab at kinder / gentler karma, let’s instead paraphrase Gene Wojciechowski: pathetic has collided with tragic.
Chuao under the label of Christian Constant is now a shadow of the shadow of itself. Whatever aura of invincibility it once enjoyed has been stripped away like paint by turpentine.
This bar pulls it into a John Mayer cover of Tom Petty's Free-Fall... & the parachute won’t open.
Or Aretha misspelling R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Throughout the width & length of its storied landscape, Chuao has had cacáo. Not only had it, but defined it, owned it, & ruled it. Now its game is hobbled onto the disabled list. Splattered out by the paddles from the conche machine, hitting the walls, the ceiling, & the floor like the proverbial sh!t hit the fan.
There are splat marks everywhere around this sinkhole.
The world’s most fearless chocolate playing... well, scared.
A boregasm.
Appearance 3.7 / 5
| Color: | earth brown with a mite red oxide |
| Surface: | solid & clean |
| Temper: | semi-gloss except for hi-polish from plastic wrapper transfer |
| Snap: | right on the button |
Aroma 6.9 / 10
spare: un-Chuao in a dark coffee cast & little else & especially none of that blueberry-butter so characteristic of the origin
Mouthfeel 10.6 / 15
| Texture: | liquifies |
| Melt: | fast |
Flavor 40.3 / 50
early cinnamon countenance -> praliné ‘n wafer -> mimics Cinnabon™ -> coffee -> underlying berry -> progression grows really wet & dissolves into diluted blueberry café -> empties out shallow cocoa
Quality 12.1 / 20
The most sugared Chuao to date at 68%, making this, rather than Amano’s, the least among Chuaos, at least in weight if not in character.
Hard to say if Constant grinds these beans himself or simply re-melts from couverture, then adds a few extra sprinkles of the white stuff & slaps his label on it. His staff professes that indeed he goes all bean-to-bar but so far no evidence of that has surfaced.
Resembles a sweetened, weakened & re-tempered Pralus, especially the roasted handiwork.
No attack & decay in flavor because it never really rises, the thin chocolate frame speckled here & there with points of interest that fail to materialize into full-blown fruition.
Whatever the causes, enough blueberry lurches undeniably to suggest this is more than just a mis-labeled Chuao.
Reviewed Autumn 2010
Hard to say if Constant grinds these beans himself or simply re-melts from couverture, then adds a few extra sprinkles of the white stuff & slaps his label on it. His staff professes that indeed he goes all bean-to-bar but so far no evidence of that has surfaced.
Resembles a sweetened, weakened & re-tempered Pralus, especially the roasted handiwork.
No attack & decay in flavor because it never really rises, the thin chocolate frame speckled here & there with points of interest that fail to materialize into full-blown fruition.
Whatever the causes, enough blueberry lurches undeniably to suggest this is more than just a mis-labeled Chuao.
Reviewed Autumn 2010