Trifles
Impact
Candy the vehicle for a bumper-to-bumper road rash. This particular American love affair with the auto has chocolate getting date-raped in the back seat while watching Thelma & Louise at a drive-in movie theatre. Gwen Borders, the Mensa-headed motherwit behind the wheel here, has a saying that “fresh crap is better than old crap” – stated like a person who knows her own crap. And this is all crap... but really good crap that gives rise to the urge for more of the crap (salt ‘n sugar can do that) because this IS the shiz.
Presentation 4 / 5
warped tires & dented headlights wrapped in radioactive-colored foils for an atomic half-life well beyond the death of the internal combustion engine & fossil fuels
Aromas 4.2 / 5
empties the tank of highway fumes: gases out heavy glycerides, big oil (palm, nuts, cottonseed, butter, etc.) & industrial marshmallows
Textures/Melt 6.7 / 10
| Shells: | sludge, goop, & fiberglass |
| Centers: | a demolition derby of spare parts |
Flavor 26.4 / 50
the human GI tract as a bio-extension of the American road map; impossible to get lost on these even w/o a flavor key/GPS guide, especially after teasing apart & doing detective work on phantom subtle French chocolats; an aching sweet-tooth experiment to measure how much corn syrup it takes to dissolve teeth (consult the nearest dental office immediately for a route canal exam)
Quality 13.6 / 30
Check-out counter, next to the Slim Jim’s. Clearly a drive-thru marketing play in the same vain as Irene Shane & the slag parts of Andrew Schott’s junkyard.
Selections
| Couverture: |
Slick Road - a slippery slope of corn syrup & dextrose glazed in blazing FD&C Red plutonium #381
Road Rage - leads to grilled road kill while on Sarah Vowell’s Assassination Vacation; a Milk Choc Mad Max road warrior of a nut job; thundering crunch soundtrack provided by Courtney Love trepanned w/ a Hole in her head; & this is just the best of the entire road show
Irish Cream Dream - hits a crag along the coast & barrels off-road into a farm house; rest of the trip is spent w/ a hangover riding a herd of sheep
Country Road - flatbed pick-up truck all the way but instead of a fine girl standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona it’s John Denver singing “... take me home / to the place where I belong...” which, after biting this, starts to sound like a radical concept because it seems so unattainable, being so far away once all the tires have gone flat, unless Willie Nelson & Friends (B.B. King + Kid Rock) spin by to get you ‘on the road again’
Michigan Road - a big bumper dead-ends into a GM junkyard w/ Michael Moore lying in a hulled-out carcass of a car, waxing all nostalgic about how great Flint was back in the UAW days &, get this, the engine’s shot & Motown’s all gone but the 8-track can still play Patty Smith & MC 5 cartridges
Snowy Road - slides off & hits a dune for some downhill sand-boarding, Mideast-style... part of Iraq Obama’s 'change you can believe in'
Road to Riches - detours on the road-to-hell-paved-with-good-intentions to an American success story: abuse your kidz long & hard enough until they leave home & drop-out of skool on the road to ruin to record angry Eminem tracks that sell to the neighbors who heard the screams but did nothing about them; domestic violence at its finest... Milk Choc Peanut Butter Popcorn Toffee Sauce w/ Marshmallow Mathers goober snots
Construction Blues - road work ahead... fines doubled in a corn syrup ditch; & Jack-Kerou-whack-hammer sweet - OUCH - to dissolve teeth, that’s if this tractor pull fails to yank ‘em out first
Road Rage - leads to grilled road kill while on Sarah Vowell’s Assassination Vacation; a Milk Choc Mad Max road warrior of a nut job; thundering crunch soundtrack provided by Courtney Love trepanned w/ a Hole in her head; & this is just the best of the entire road show
Irish Cream Dream - hits a crag along the coast & barrels off-road into a farm house; rest of the trip is spent w/ a hangover riding a herd of sheep
Country Road - flatbed pick-up truck all the way but instead of a fine girl standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona it’s John Denver singing “... take me home / to the place where I belong...” which, after biting this, starts to sound like a radical concept because it seems so unattainable, being so far away once all the tires have gone flat, unless Willie Nelson & Friends (B.B. King + Kid Rock) spin by to get you ‘on the road again’
Michigan Road - a big bumper dead-ends into a GM junkyard w/ Michael Moore lying in a hulled-out carcass of a car, waxing all nostalgic about how great Flint was back in the UAW days &, get this, the engine’s shot & Motown’s all gone but the 8-track can still play Patty Smith & MC 5 cartridges
Snowy Road - slides off & hits a dune for some downhill sand-boarding, Mideast-style... part of Iraq Obama’s 'change you can believe in'
Road to Riches - detours on the road-to-hell-paved-with-good-intentions to an American success story: abuse your kidz long & hard enough until they leave home & drop-out of skool on the road to ruin to record angry Eminem tracks that sell to the neighbors who heard the screams but did nothing about them; domestic violence at its finest... Milk Choc Peanut Butter Popcorn Toffee Sauce w/ Marshmallow Mathers goober snots
Construction Blues - road work ahead... fines doubled in a corn syrup ditch; & Jack-Kerou-whack-hammer sweet - OUCH - to dissolve teeth, that’s if this tractor pull fails to yank ‘em out first